May 14, 2013

Getting What You Wish For...Sort Of

Rituals.  On Sunday, when I could easily have been hanging out at home, sitting with my feet up (figuratively), milking the whole Mother's Day thing and playing queen bee, I went to visit my mother over at the care home instead.  Even though, since my mother has no clue anymore about what day it is ever and was at the time in no state to even register my presence, the visit was meaningless to anyone but me.  Why was I there really?  So I could feel good about myself...about being a good daughter and visiting my mother on Mother's Day and all that?  I think sometimes I cling to something just because "that's the way it's always been" and this time it bit me because I ended up coming home and crying all afternoon.  

Anyway.  While I was there visiting, for reasons too stupid to get into here, I ended up moving some furniture around.  Not that big of a deal really: I am woman, hear me roar!  Except there were people on the furniture when I was moving it and they were adding a slight "dead weight" element I didn't count on.  Also, I keep on forgetting how old I am.  Or, rather, forgetting that my body isn't as young and spry and strong as I still think it is.  Or, maybe, too many hours spent sitting at work is exactly as bad as they say it is.  I try to do what I can, go to the gym at lunch or at least for brisk walks but, clearly, that's not enough because now I'm sitting, feet up (literally) propped up on a mound of pillows with a heating pad at my back. 

Yesterday was my work flex day, my one Monday off in three weeks.  And, although I still spend a good portion of these on appointments and non-art issues, I had firm plans to spend a chunk of yesterday drawing and sketching out my new print.  It didn't quite go like that; my back was too sore for me to sit for more than an hour.  I did a little bit of work, prepped the block, and then had to stop, do some more stretches, and return to my semi-recumbent position. The Universe is having a good laugh maybe.

And so it goes with a lot of things.  Like my prints.  For example, I really wanted to make my next one a landscape. I had an idea driving me and I took some first steps towards it but I couldn't make it work.  I didn't like the sketches I made, they didn't look like the image I was after. I know I'll work it out in time, I just need to keep trying and drawing, but my time is still limited and I really want to be printing again.  Now. Tomorrow. Or if not tomorrow then at least next week. So I was getting a bit twisted up about the thing not going right.

Then, sorting through my mother's paperwork a couple of weeks ago, I came across a card I drew for my dad for Father's Day way back in 1985 (or at least that's the date my mother wrote on the back of the card so it must be right).  It's really barely more than a doodle but, except for it being kind of squished into the space it occupies, I liked it when I first drew it and I like it still.  I actually found a couple of cards I drew for my parents down there and who knows, they may all be prints yet!  After all, I started doing prints in the first place because I wanted to have more than one copy of the cards I drew for people and then gave away.  

So, it only took me 30 years to get here but it looks like the next print won't be that landscape.  I'm ok with that.  If it means I'll actually be working on something, that's good enough for me.  I can still continue with the sketches for the landscape but I won't feel as desperate about making it work.  

Now if only I could just get up and get to it...

1 comment:

Libby Fife said...

I think sometimes we can't get out of our long held habits and expectations-including thinking that we can move furniture around like we used to:) And even if we bang our heads against the wall in frustration we do things in the same way that we always have, no matter how old we become.

I have done the same thing too; thought that I was going to work on one thing only to not have that work out. Then what? Good thing you found the cards. Something always comes along:)